How to Annoy Elves
by Animadeus
Summary: My name is Mark. I died. But plans changed and I'm stuck in another world looking for a girl named Mary Suellivan. The only problem I have is I am dependent upon my Elven prison guards and I can't understand a word they are saying! This will need to be handled with tact and respect and no small degree of charm. Which based on these swords pointed at my chest, I failed at all three.
1. Step 1: Die First, Think Later

**Step 1: Die First, Think Later**

* * *

Okay, stop me if you heard this one.

I am dead.

Correction, I SHOULD have died.

But I am not. Or else we wouldn't be having this conversation now, would we? Then again, research shows talking to yourself makes you smarter. Which in this case, I would be considered a genius.

And of course I am a genius! Come on Mark! Have confidence in yourself! You graduated from college right?! Sure, you didn't graduate on time. But pfft! You got that Architectural job in downtown that you've always wanted right?! And yesterday you had that date with the boss's secretary—Sara right? Crap, was her name Sara? Or was it Anna? Never mind! I didn't like her anyway.

Nothing could have gone wrong in my life anymore! I was on top of my game! Got salary, own apartment, possible non-existent love life! But who cares! Everything was going all according to plan!

But NOOOOO, you just had to pick up that phone and answer her fucking call didn't you?

Why Mark? Whyyyyyy?

Oh, Mary. Bloody Fucking Mary Suellivan. You just had to make my day.

-sigh-

You see, Joe…or Bob…or whoever you are. I was at my desk finishing up the last few details of a residential plan before I send it to my client. Just beside me, the window showed a flow of people that increased as time passed by. Lunch break. My favorite time of the day next to nap time.

I was just about to leave for lunch when my friend—or rather the puppy that I fed as a child but now forever haunts my life—called me up.

"Hey, Marty!" Her voice was even louder and high pitched that I had to hold the receiver a few inches away from my ear. "You won't believe what I just saw!"

"Mary, didn't I tell you not to call me by that nickname of yours?" I grimaced as I wheeled around in my chair.

I could hear her pout, "But you'll always be Marty to me. Calling you Mark is uncomfortable and we're friends!" long silence was my response. "You're mean just because you graduated and are adulting."

"Yes, because I need to pay bills," I stressed. Whoever said life gets easier after graduation, I kill them and stuff them in the fridge and then eat their brains for lunch. "Speaking of graduation, you're a literature major. When are you going to graduate? Aren't you suppose to doing your thesis?" I made a mistake to look out the window as I wheel my chair around. My eyes twitched and grimaced at the sight of Mary's face plastering itself against the glass. "Stop that."

"ajdlfj bjoaow mbi ajof" was all I heard—which somehow in the years that I have known her, my brain automatically translated to " _Then come with me to the fair_."

"What fair?" I asked.

She smiled. Well, I assumed she smiled, 'cause against the glass it looked like a janitor fish eating the particles in a fish tank. " _The medieval fair. There is a ton of LOTR events going on there_."

My mood started to descend as I let my back rest on my chair. "LOTR? Again. Don't tell me your thesis is on LOTR?"

" _Bingo."_ She answered. She looked away from me for a moment and then started to wave to someone inside my office. I followed her sight line and saw Sara—or Anna who had her arms crossed and glaring at the two of us. _"It's Amy! Hi Amy!"_

I laughed, "Her name is not Amy. It's Sara." I told her confidently. The boss's secretary scowled.

 _"_ _Just admit to yourself that you are bad at remembering names."_ Said Mary, _"Now come on. I am hungry! Let's eat lunch before Amy decides to kill you."_ And ended the call.

Not wanting to be murdered before my next paycheck, I stood up and briskly walked toward the door. Unfortunately, I ended up dashing to the exit when I realized I was being followed by Amy who was screaming out, "Mark Stewart! You come back here! We need to talk!"

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I finally met up with my short, blonde haired, LOTR manic friend across the street. You would have mistaken her for a normal person if only she did not have a satchel designed with apparently a map of Middle Earth and is wearing a large green shirt with squiggly-wiggly lines on the front and back which she swears is Elvish. Hey, I've seen people with Chinese and Japanese characters tattooed on their entire body and swear it is some profound ancient hullabaloo when in fact, it's something completely different.

"Mae govannen, Matry Stewartlion." She said as she bowed. Damn it! Have you no shame? And In public?!

I shook my head as I started walking. She giggled as she started to follow me. "So what is this about the fair? Why do I have to go with you?"

"I need to do research on the LOTR fan community. I thought of you first! But then I know you might busy! So I asked around, but no one in my class will go with me." She pouted, "You're my only hope!"

I sighed. I am being used. Again. I never enjoyed these fairs. Not once. She doesn't ever think about my feelings does she? Ha. No. of course not. All she ever cares about is LOTR this, LOTR that.

Mary continued to ramble as we walked, "Oooh. I could dress up as Arwen! And then you can go as Aragorn! You're tall enough to be him! And you kinda have is body shape! And ohhhh! You have brown hair too! Maybe we can buy you a wig to make it longer."

"Aragon?" I exclaimed as I tried to think about who the heck she was referring to. "Ah! I remember, the dwarf!"

SLAP! My upper arm ached with pain. Everyone who was walking beside us stepped back. "HOW DARE YOU! Aragorn is the son of Arathorn! He is the true king of Gondor!" She berated me. "Dishonor! Dishonor on you! I can't believe you don't remember him! Yet you remember Tauriel!"

Rubbing my aching arm I told her, "Well yeah, she's the pretty one."

Mary glared at me, wiggled her finger and hissed, "She is not canon. We don't speak of her."

"Fine. Fine" I said to cool her down, "Just stop being violent. Geez."

Her mood instantly became better as we stopped at the stop light. I looked her, furious at the commotion she caused. Damn it, this girl. No shame at all. Violent too! But then I realized…has she always been shorter than me? Did her eyes twinkle like that before?

I was too lost in thought when I heard Mary call out my name. Apparently, the walk light had gone green and she was already at the center of the street waiting for me.

I remembered walking towards her when I heard a loud screech.

A black sedan ran at top speed. It skid from side to side into the sidewalk and roadway. It had to stop, but it didn't. Its' destination was quite clear. Instinctively, I ran towards Mary. I needed to be there in time. I have to. I grabbed her and tried to push her out of the way.

Please note the word TRIED because I do not know if I made it.

I felt the impact.

Then pain.

Then darkness.

And that my friends is how I died.

Well obviously, I would have died. And I should be dead! And I'm still talking to you.

But that doesn't explain my predicament right now, does it?

It doesn't explain why when I woke up I found myself here in this cold, dark, dank forest. I swear to you Jimmy, that I had clothes when I died. I was a decent human being! I checked every inch of myself—yet there is no sign of injury on my white skin. Well, there was this rash on my butt, but that's a different story.

What the hell! Don't tell me this is like a really messed up version of Punk'd! You thought you were going to die?! You got robbed!

Damn it. I scowled. There is no point in staying here. I have to get out of here.

I started to look for something to cover myself up. I eventually ended up grabbing a large leaf to cover my manhood. And started walking…to some direction.

"Help! Someone help!" I screamed out.

This is fucked up! You don't know how embarrassing this is! But then you'll tell me, 'But Mark! Once this is over you'll just laugh this off!' Come here and say it to my face you couch potato! Come here and say it Jimmy!

"Help!" I screamed, "Hel—"

Suddenly, something flew past me. I turned to see that an arrow had lodged to a tree behind me.

SCHHWAFF.

Another arrow had embedded on the ground before me. I fell back, stunned.

God forbid that my cruddy self would get killed now.

Actually, now that I think about it, I would have preferred to be dead.

Behind the trees, appeared these weird, foreign, green cloak cladded people who are now pointing swords at me. One of them started talking to me. But it was not in English. I did not respond. So they asked again in a louder, harsher tone. I could feel their intent to kill me. Well, I would too if I found myself butt naked—in public.

His companion stepped closer to me with his sword still at the tip of my chest. He took off his hood and I could see his white features and long brown hair and his elf ears.

What?! Elf ears?! The Fuck! Did I get kidnapped and thrown into the medieval fair?!

Damn it all.

I should have stayed at home today. I should not have answered Mary's phone call. I should not have rushed out of my office to go with her. I was perfectly happy stuffing my face with donuts for lunch.

But no. I had to go. And look at what mess I've ended myself into.

There is only one thing left for me to do!

Be stupid!

When I felt he wasn't looking, I tried to grab the hilt of the sword with all my might. But the Elf—er—person had a strong grip! So I elbowed him to the side and got on top of his back to keep him out of balance. Instead of falling, my victim screamed and held on as he smashed me into a tree.

This isn't one of my finest moments. Just imagine me, fighting on top of this guy. Naked. I'm pretty sure my dignity went out the window by then. Actually. don't imagine me naked. Please don't.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Then it went black again.

Damn it. Got taken out by a guy in an elf costume.

Please give me a trophy when I wake up from this nightmare.

* * *

 **Author Notes:**

If you have any suggestions and advice on how you can annoy our favorite Elven race, please tell me!


	2. Sidenote A: Another One

**Sidenote A - Another One**

* * *

"What should we do?! We can't find her!" said one of the younger elven scouts.

The others looked at each other, panic bleeding through their eyes, "Should we report this to the captain?" Huddled in a circle, in the middle of the Rivendell woodland, the others started to nod or shake their head.

Teomhel, the blond and oldest among them reminded them, "No way. Since the captain has already handed it over to us, then no matter what happens, we still have to do it ourselves. Do you remember what he taught us?"

One by one the members looked at each other with a bitter smile and then replied in union, "If I tell you to jump down a cliff, you have to jump down. Otherwise, I'll push you down and then push a giant rock down to accompany you!"

After they finished, the platoon members laughed themselves into hysterics. One of them nudged the comrade beside him, laughing as he said, "Feran, how's the feeling of being pushed down a cliff and then having a giant rock following you down?"

Feran gave a bitter smile. With a sigh he said, "Well, I can't believe that I'm still alive. Everyone keeps saying that his temper is so good that if you accidently shoot an arrow at him two times, he won't get angry. But in truth, you already died a hundred times in his mind."

"Don't say it like that." Said Teomhel, "Captain's really nice. He's most especially strict with us because we are his platoon and we shouldn't allow ourselves any mistakes anyway. Now, more than ever."

Another shrugged, "Yes. It was our duty to watch over her and now she is missing."

"Who is missing?" asked a voice.

"Weren't you paying attention?!" Feran answered—but then his face fell.

They had now only realized that a smiling Elven man with long brown hair and white skin had joined in their secret conversation. All of them automatically stood up and saluted their captain. The young elven scouts before him remained calm as one should when addressing one of the sons of Lord Elrond, but their hands twitched in nervous anticipation. The surrounding woods could not cool the heat escaping from their bodies.

There was silence between them. As the seconds grew longer, they could see their captain's smile deepening. "Don't make me ask again."

All of them looked to Teomhel for help. "Captain, there has been an incident."

"Since there are only ten of the twenty-five members of my platoon, I assume you sent several others and followed protocol." stated the Elf Lord with a smile, "Preferably before you started panicking and gossiping." He could see the sweat falling their faces.

"Elrohir, it has only been three days since Aragorn and the fellowship left Rivendell, be nice. It will come back to you eventually" Said the Captain's twin brother as he walked into the area.

The brother continued to smile, "I'm always nice. But back to the point. It seems our guest is missing."

Elladan's eyes grew in shock, "When? How did this happen?"

All of them turned to Teomhel who still kept calm. He was about to speak when they had heard an incomprehensible sound. By instinct, they readied their bows while the sons of Elrond drew their swords. Elrohir signed them to move forward, while he and his brother took point.

Further and further they went to find the source of the sound. The shadows of the woods before them grew darker. But elf eyes are keen and in the darkness, they saw a naked man walking moving through the trees.

"What is a man doing here?" whispered one to another—their bows trailing after the suspicious one, "Naked too?"

"Drunk maybe? Lucky." Feran laughed softly. Vice-captain Teomhel glared at him.

Elrohir gave a signal and Teomhel gave out a warning shot.

The man was stunned.

Another shot.

The man fell down.

Stowing their bows and drawing their swords they ambushed the fallen man. Elrohir revealed himself and brought his sword to the man's chest, "Who are you? What are you doing here?" but the man did not answer—fear in his eyes. "Answer me!"

"You don't think he's like her, do you?" Elladan asked his brother, "What is happening here?"

"I do not—"started the twin, but then he was tackled by the naked man. The Elf lord struggled as the naked man placed him on choke hold. But then using his own strength, Elrohir slammed the man into a tree. After three tries, the naked man fell unconscious.

Elrohir sat on the ground as he tried to catch his breath. "Why didn't you help me?!" he bellowed afterwards.

Elladan looked at him and smiled, "I told you to be nice today." His brother scowled in response. "Are you alright?" lending a hand to him.

His brother waved it away and looked at the unconscious man. "Well, we can't just leave him here. We better tell father that another crazy one showed up. Teomhel, carry him back." The elf nodded and started to collect the man.

"And maybe a bath..." muttered Feran, "I'm glad that is over with."

The sons of Elrond started to walk back. The captain waved back to them as he continued walking onward. In a loud, sweet voice he said, "Oh, and the rest of you, I haven't forgotten what happened today. Please get your favorite rock ready. If not, I will glady choose your 'favorite' for you."


End file.
